Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

She is gone…

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

I saw Bethan in the infirmary a few nights ago and thankfully she seemed like she was fine and that she was going to be OK.  I am so glad that I had that chance to visit her.

I had no idea that it would be my last.

Bethan decided that she wanted to leave us, and the Masters let her go.  She was a wonderful student and had huge potential.  I was surprised that she would be allowed to go so easily.  What a mess we have made.

Renata has developed a new facet to her power.  Her shield has changed in such a way that she can enter our memories – and erase them.  This has proven quite useful – especially in light of our situation.  Poor Jane was an early test and it seems that she has lost more of her memories than intended.

Marcus and I talked.  He has asked me to undergo this memory wipe of sorts.  He wanted to know what I wanted to remember and what I wanted to let go.  A heart wrenching question.  Still reeling from seeing the two of them, I told him to erase all the pain.  To erase everything that pertained to him.

Is this really what I want though?  Will I remember who he is?  Will I remember that I love him?

Sweet innocent Beth…  She left me a note before her change.  I will so miss our friendship and our sisterhood.  Shall I forget who she is as well?  It is probably best.  Maybe our paths will cross again someday.  She mentioned in her letter that with her gone, I might find true happiness.

Ah, sweet, young, Bethan.  It isn’t so simple.  She may forget her feelings for him, but he will never forget his feelings for her.  And therein lies the irony:  If I am to forget, I won’t know that will I?  So I will be ripe and vulnerable for him to hurt me all over again.  Will he?

I am not sure true happiness is meant for me.  I just want to find my purpose, my reason for being again…

I hope for a fresh start – for me and the dear sister I lost.  I hope she can one day forgive me for all the hurt I caused her.

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A Long Way From Home

Monday, June 8th, 2009

So they’re in each other’s arms right now.  I did what any self respecting fool with a broken heart would do.

I ran.

Before he could tell me not to, before any empty explanations…  I know him.  I know her.  I know how he pulls her, because he pulls me the same way.  I did what I should have done when I first found out she loved him.  I should have ran then – before our indiscretion hurt her.  Before I could let theirs hurt me…

I talked to Beth’s friend Andrey before I left Volterra.  He is so in love with her.  We commiserated a bit.  We both talked about what happened, licked our wounds.   He has an incredible secret power; he can freeze things – including people.  I suspect he often does this to himself when he is hurting to shield himself from experiencing the pain for a while.  I watched him do it on the beach.  While watching him, he froze me in that state with him.

It was amazing.  It was like sleep – the sleep I have been longing for, for so long.  My mind and my heart were numb; for a while unfeeling.  Before completely freezing, I shielded us so we couldn’t be seen by anyone that happened upon such a strange sight: A huge frozen cocoon on a remote Italian beach.   I don’t know how long we stayed that way but the solace was welcome. Upon awakening, we discovered that in our slumber we had inherited each other’s powers.  An interesting development; one I will explore once I get my mind right again…

Andrey offered me the use of his house and I took it.  I told Renata that I was going away for an extended leave of absence.  I will visit Maggie (who is also currently without country) in Paris, and then maybe make my way to New York City where I will live for a while.  Yesterday, I left my home of the last 19 years to an unknown future.

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Goodbye for now…

Sunday, June 7th, 2009

Dear Marcus and Bethan,

By the time you read this, I will be gone. I hate to leave my family, and my duty, but I think it best for everyone that I go. I don’t want to cause any more pain and confusion. Though it pains me to leave, I feel my absence is best for both myself and my family. I won’t explain how I found out, but I know about you being together. Please do not try and contact me with explanations; you don’t owe me any. No matter how much I feel for him, I do not own his heart – I understand that. It was not so long ago that I hurt Beth in the same way. I understand that pull all too well.

Please let me go so that I can right myself; I need to face my feelings on my own – so that I can deal with them; and let them go. I walk through these halls as half a person, a hollow shell of what I once was. I need to leave for a while so I can be whole again.

I am not sure where I am going, or how long I will be gone.

I love you both,

Helene

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What to do now?

Monday, May 25th, 2009

Has he chosen?
Have I lost?
A fool I am to love,
no matter what the cost.

Why did I tell him,
lay my heart open wide?
Will I be a martyr?
Will she be a bride?

And here I search,
yearning for him to care.
I fear I imagine,
things that aren’t really there.

All this heartache,
all this pain
I caused this confusion.
I am to blame.

Before there was me
he was so sure
of what he felt
in her allure.

But something pulls me to you,
even though I know it’s wrong.
I never wanted anything so much,
I’ve loved you for so long.

Is it best to surrender?
My heart’s wish I deprive.
Let you go to love another.
Would I survive?

I’m trying to find the strength,
to stop causing you woe,
But I don’t know how
to let you go.

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Confusion and Chaos…

Saturday, May 23rd, 2009

That is the state in which my heart resides.  I am still in limbo when it comes to him…  I don’t really know how to act when I am around him.  I am trying to be strong and stay away from him.  I am trying to give him space so that I can get over him as I know I have to.  But I am drawn to him.  It is as if my head says one thing and my body and soul disobey completely.  And with every indiscretion, a little more heartbreak for us all…

He came to me while Beth was gone.  I was at home, thinking of him.  I opened my front door and it was as if he materialized straight out of my thoughts.  I was astonished to see him.  I still don’t know why he came.  I’m not sure he even knows why he came.  One minute he was in my mind, the next he was in my house.  I showed him around and as he walked behind me it was if I all my senses were electrified – I could feel every single one of his movements, every glance… It was both exciting and terrifying to have him here in my private space.

For a split second I saw happiness refelcted in both his eyes and mine.  There was playful banter and laughs.  There was a kiss that set my soul on fire.  In a flash, it was gone.  Reality always has a funny way of setting in.  He is not mine, and may never be.  My sister loves him, yet I take advantage of her absence like a common thief.  What is wrong with me?

Yet he kissed me, and this time I kissed him back.  It was a beautiful feeling for a fleeting moment.  To forget anything but my feelings for him.  It felt perfect to be in his arms; somehow right.  We both felt it.  Then, like someone had flipped a switch, it was gone.  He left as abruptly as he came…

It was so absolutely wrong, but so wonderfully right.  I had to feel what it would be like to be consumed by him; to let him be consumed by me.  That kiss turned into a few stolen moments in the next few days.  It seemed the more I tried to stay away from him, the closer I danced to the flame.  I do not understand why he gives me such hope; he makes it impossible to stay away.

He wants me, this I know.  But he wants Beth too, and he can’t have us both.  I came dangerously close to just letting caution fly to the wind the other day, but I cannot – will not – give myself fully to him.  If I surrender to him and he casts me aside, I know that I will be lost.  Heaven help me, I have to be strong, and stay away…

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So Much Going On…

Saturday, May 23rd, 2009

So much has happened around here lately.  Where to start?  Renata and Santi have eloped!  Ren wanted to spare Corin from going through the heartbreak of a wedding so soon after Mary called it off with theirs.  Ren and Santi are going to have a wedding for the family later.  Renata is going to be a beautiful bride…

Corin.  My poor brother…  He has been through so much in the last few weeks.  I feel horrible that I have been so caught up with my own affiars that I hadn’t been there for him.  He has been spending much time with Jane though…  It is wonderful to see them both smiling again.

And Felix!  He surprised us the other night…  When he came back from his mission – he brought someone  with him; he brought a girl home to Volterra!  After getting over the initial shock, we all settled in to meet her.  She is lovely and truly makes him happier than I have ever seen him in years – if I have ever seen him this happy.  She has brought about a noticable change in him; he deserves this happiness.

Seeing everyone around me makes me both happy and sad…  Happy for all my loved ones, and a little sad that there can be no little piece of happiness for me.  Alas, if this is the way it is to be I can accept it gracefully and be happy for everyone else…

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Another Day, Another Heartbreak

Friday, May 15th, 2009

It was a day of confusion. I have been sorting things out in my head for two days now. For two days ago… He kissed me. Like all the fantasies that have played out in my head for the last two decades – only better. Feeling his lips on mine was both wonderful – and bittersweet.

It was sudden and unexpected. I didn’t have time to react. But she saw it – and it broke her heart; it broke mine all over again. To see the pain and confusion on both their faces was too much to bear…

He says he is confused. I feel absolutely terrible that I am the one responsible for that confusion. He wouldn’t be feeling it if I hadn’t made that fateful admission to him. If I would have kept it to myself, we wouldn’t be facing this.

He says he needs time to decide. He needs time to process the immense feelings that have overcome him – feelings he had not let himself feel for a very long time. I already fear his decision. I fear he doesn’t look at me the way he looks at her. I can see devotion in his eyes, but I am afraid that it is not for me. The kiss could have been nothing but an attempt to erase the pain he caused me in the only way he knew how…

I cannot be angry at Beth. She is my sister, and will always be my friend. Though I am confused at how she could fall for the very object of the secrets I divulged to her, I know that the heart does not pay heed to who came first. I do not blame her. If she could finally be the one to open his heart after the loss he has suffered, then my broken heart is at least happy for that ironic blessing.

Tomorrow is another day…

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I am a shadow of myself…

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

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I felt wonderful coming back home from Ireland.  I returned from a weekend of rest and rejuvination.  I deplaned in Volterra basking in the sunlight – only to be thrown once again in the shadow once I returned home.

All was quiet.  I texted my dear Beth to let her know I had arrived, only to have happened upon Marcus.  I was ready for this.  For his rejection.  Or so I thought…

He asked me to come into his office as he wanted to talk…  He told me the words I expected to hear:  that he didn’t feel the same for me as I did for him.  The reason however, was unexpected.

He is in love with Beth.  My sister.  My confidante.

I was prepared to have to get over my love for him.  I was prepared that someday he might find his true love.  I was not prepared for the fact that they would be right under my nose.

What a fool I have been…  Did she love him all along?  Was she laughing at me inside as I shared my anguish with her?  Did she even ever have feelings for Felix at all?  I am sad and confused. Yet inside I am still happy that his shell could be cracked and he could feel something for someone after all.  Is that anything but pathetic?

I know that Marcus doesn’t mean to hurt me.  I truly think that he feels remorse over hurting me, but behind it I can see the hope he has for a new love with Beth.  And it is killing me inside.

I have told them both that I will not stand in their way of happiness and not to worry for me.  I will find my way.

Somehow.

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This morning, I am in Ireland…

Friday, May 8th, 2009

I finally told him…  I told him how I feel.  It was almost unbearable to know that any day he could look at me and know the truth.  I feel so much better after telling him.

And now I am in Ireland.  Maggie had extended an invitation earlier in the week and I am so happy to have been able to come.  It wasn’t planned for me to tell him and run away; that’s just the way everything panned out.  Everything in my being wants to be with him right now… But I also know that it is just not possible.

I just wish that his heart would open up again; even if not for me…

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Dearest Marcus,

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

… I am sorry to have dropped this news on you.  As I said it had been pressing on me for decades.  I don’t know why, but I felt you getting closer to “seeing” the truth inside me.  I wanted to be the one to tell you, rather than you happen upon it one fateful day…

By the time you read this, I will be in Ireland.  I am not running away per se, but giving myself (and you) much needed space,  I know you didn’t feel it, but the everyday was just getting really hard for me.  Living in such close quarters will do that I suppose.  It seems as if I can see your face everywhere: in the night sky, in my thoughts, in my dreams…

I know that it may be impossible for you to return my feelings, and I am OK with that.  I will not run from you, or from my feelings.  I would rather have you near than not at all.  Just as your heart is bound to another, I fear mine is bound to love you unconditionally and irrevocably.

So, I leave you this letter to let you know that while I know that it will be impossible for things to be the same when I get back, I hope that it will at least be… comfortable.  I would never want you to feel ill at ease around me.  I do not expect anything of you. Do not fear that you will hurt me.  You are always true to yourself; this is what I have always loved most about you.  I wouldn’t ask for anything more.

Yours Always,
Helene

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