It has been so long since I have updated my journal and I apologize my lovlies…

I have been dealing with my  recent memory loss and have finally come to terms with it I think.  I often wonder what is so hazy in my mind.  What experiences have been erased?  Renata says that I asked for these memories to be gone.  I asked to have that few weeks erased from my memory.  But I can’t help but feel that a certain thought – no a certain feeling that had been erased went much much further back than that.

I wonder what did I do that was so wrong that I simply wanted it gone.  What had been done to me?

In any case – what is done is done.  I must live with it and move on.  It would be easier though if certain members of our family could still look me in the eye…

… has been shaken up a bit this week.

This week was the Volturi Meeting.  It had been so long since all of us were in a room together.  The meeting was held by a Cais’ brother, Marcus – a new Master(or at least new to me).  I had this strange feeling.  I knew every single face there – except his.  I have a feeling deep down that I am supposed to know who he is – that he fills these gaps in my mind that are missing…  Am I losing it?

The meeting progressed with an annoucement of Renata’s new development.  Her shield has changed a bit and she can reach into our memories; and remove them.  A fleeting moment of recognition enters my mind:  Is this why I am missing parts of my recollection?  Was I an experiment?  And did memories of him vanish?

I look over at my brothers in arms, and can see the same looks of confusion on their faces…

Something went terribly wrong with all of us.  So wrong that Renata’s shield changed and we had all been ordered to forget it…  I can’t imagine what could have shaken our resolve so badly.  Part of me wants to know so that I can be prepared… So I can help ensure that our guard never be so irretrievably broken.

But part of me is scared to know.  I can’t imagine what could have been so terrible that I would have asked Renata to wipe it from my mind entirely…

The Guard has been healed from whatever the malady was that struck us.  This is the most important thing I suppose.

The Santiago, Demetri, Felix, and Corin have been sent to the states.  Renata and I must deal with a problem closer to home…

I had no idea that it would be my last.

Bethan decided that she wanted to leave us, and the Masters let her go.  She was a wonderful student and had huge potential.  I was surprised that she would be allowed to go so easily.  What a mess we have made.

Renata has developed a new facet to her power.  Her shield has changed in such a way that she can enter our memories – and erase them.  This has proven quite useful – especially in light of our situation.  Poor Jane was an early test and it seems that she has lost more of her memories than intended.

Marcus and I talked.  He has asked me to undergo this memory wipe of sorts.  He wanted to know what I wanted to remember and what I wanted to let go.  A heart wrenching question.  Still reeling from seeing the two of them, I told him to erase all the pain.  To erase everything that pertained to him.

Is this really what I want though?  Will I remember who he is?  Will I remember that I love him?

Sweet innocent Beth…  She left me a note before her change.  I will so miss our friendship and our sisterhood.  Shall I forget who she is as well?  It is probably best.  Maybe our paths will cross again someday.  She mentioned in her letter that with her gone, I might find true happiness.

Ah, sweet, young, Bethan.  It isn’t so simple.  She may forget her feelings for him, but he will never forget his feelings for her.  And therein lies the irony:  If I am to forget, I won’t know that will I?  So I will be ripe and vulnerable for him to hurt me all over again.  Will he?

I am not sure true happiness is meant for me.  I just want to find my purpose, my reason for being again…

I hope for a fresh start – for me and the dear sister I lost.  I hope she can one day forgive me for all the hurt I caused her.

Helene Renee’ Lombardi
Born: 1880 – New York City (131 years old)
Turned: New Years Eve 1908 (Age 28)
Parents from: San Gimignano (Tuscany) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Gimignano
& Marsaille, France: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marseille
Father: Vasilios Lombardi, Died 1903.
Mother: Marine Laroche (Died in Childbirth)
No brothers or sisters.

Lived: 1880 – 1908: New York City (but traveled to Italy/Paris frequently with father)
1908 – 1929: Paris, France with Maker: Aurelius **
1929 – 1947: Rome, Italy
1947 – 1975: Turin, Italy
1975 – 1980: Marsaille, France
1980 – 1990: New York City
1990 – Present: Volterra, Italy

Helene’s maker, Aurelius, stalked her on New Year’s Eve and turned her as the very first Ball dropped on the Big Apple. He was not her mate, but she traveled with him extensively until 1929 when he was destroyed for offending the Romanian coven. Inexplicably, they spared her life. She traveled as a nomad until she accidentally discovered her power in the late 1980’s. She found that if calm, she could walk amongst the humans in the sunlight without detection. Her power has grown to encompass almost full invisibility to vampires and humans alike. In 1990, upon hearing of her talent, she was invited to become a member of the Volturi Guard by Aro. She has been in love with Marcus for as long as she has been with the Volturi.

NOTE: Recently because of an incident between her and Andrey, her control over her invisibility has inexplicably strengthened. She has also acquired the elemental power of ice formation/freezing.

I ran.

Before he could tell me not to, before any empty explanations…  I know him.  I know her.  I know how he pulls her, because he pulls me the same way.  I did what I should have done when I first found out she loved him.  I should have ran then – before our indiscretion hurt her.  Before I could let theirs hurt me…

I talked to Beth’s friend Andrey before I left Volterra.  He is so in love with her.  We commiserated a bit.  We both talked about what happened, licked our wounds.   He has an incredible secret power; he can freeze things – including people.  I suspect he often does this to himself when he is hurting to shield himself from experiencing the pain for a while.  I watched him do it on the beach.  While watching him, he froze me in that state with him.

It was amazing.  It was like sleep – the sleep I have been longing for, for so long.  My mind and my heart were numb; for a while unfeeling.  Before completely freezing, I shielded us so we couldn’t be seen by anyone that happened upon such a strange sight: A huge frozen cocoon on a remote Italian beach.   I don’t know how long we stayed that way but the solace was welcome. Upon awakening, we discovered that in our slumber we had inherited each other’s powers.  An interesting development; one I will explore once I get my mind right again…

Andrey offered me the use of his house and I took it.  I told Renata that I was going away for an extended leave of absence.  I will visit Maggie (who is also currently without country) in Paris, and then maybe make my way to New York City where I will live for a while.  Yesterday, I left my home of the last 19 years to an unknown future.

By the time you read this, I will be gone. I hate to leave my family, and my duty, but I think it best for everyone that I go. I don’t want to cause any more pain and confusion. Though it pains me to leave, I feel my absence is best for both myself and my family. I won’t explain how I found out, but I know about you being together. Please do not try and contact me with explanations; you don’t owe me any. No matter how much I feel for him, I do not own his heart – I understand that. It was not so long ago that I hurt Beth in the same way. I understand that pull all too well.

Please let me go so that I can right myself; I need to face my feelings on my own – so that I can deal with them; and let them go. I walk through these halls as half a person, a hollow shell of what I once was. I need to leave for a while so I can be whole again.

I am not sure where I am going, or how long I will be gone.

I love you both,

Helene

Why did I tell him,
lay my heart open wide?
Will I be a martyr?
Will she be a bride?

And here I search,
yearning for him to care.
I fear I imagine,
things that aren’t really there.

All this heartache,
all this pain
I caused this confusion.
I am to blame.

Before there was me
he was so sure
of what he felt
in her allure.

But something pulls me to you,
even though I know it’s wrong.
I never wanted anything so much,
I’ve loved you for so long.

Is it best to surrender?
My heart’s wish I deprive.
Let you go to love another.
Would I survive?

I’m trying to find the strength,
to stop causing you woe,
But I don’t know how
to let you go.

He came to me while Beth was gone.  I was at home, thinking of him.  I opened my front door and it was as if he materialized straight out of my thoughts.  I was astonished to see him.  I still don’t know why he came.  I’m not sure he even knows why he came.  One minute he was in my mind, the next he was in my house.  I showed him around and as he walked behind me it was if I all my senses were electrified – I could feel every single one of his movements, every glance… It was both exciting and terrifying to have him here in my private space.

For a split second I saw happiness refelcted in both his eyes and mine.  There was playful banter and laughs.  There was a kiss that set my soul on fire.  In a flash, it was gone.  Reality always has a funny way of setting in.  He is not mine, and may never be.  My sister loves him, yet I take advantage of her absence like a common thief.  What is wrong with me?

Yet he kissed me, and this time I kissed him back.  It was a beautiful feeling for a fleeting moment.  To forget anything but my feelings for him.  It felt perfect to be in his arms; somehow right.  We both felt it.  Then, like someone had flipped a switch, it was gone.  He left as abruptly as he came…

It was so absolutely wrong, but so wonderfully right.  I had to feel what it would be like to be consumed by him; to let him be consumed by me.  That kiss turned into a few stolen moments in the next few days.  It seemed the more I tried to stay away from him, the closer I danced to the flame.  I do not understand why he gives me such hope; he makes it impossible to stay away.

He wants me, this I know.  But he wants Beth too, and he can’t have us both.  I came dangerously close to just letting caution fly to the wind the other day, but I cannot – will not – give myself fully to him.  If I surrender to him and he casts me aside, I know that I will be lost.  Heaven help me, I have to be strong, and stay away…

Corin.  My poor brother…  He has been through so much in the last few weeks.  I feel horrible that I have been so caught up with my own affiars that I hadn’t been there for him.  He has been spending much time with Jane though…  It is wonderful to see them both smiling again.

And Felix!  He surprised us the other night…  When he came back from his mission – he brought someone  with him; he brought a girl home to Volterra!  After getting over the initial shock, we all settled in to meet her.  She is lovely and truly makes him happier than I have ever seen him in years – if I have ever seen him this happy.  She has brought about a noticable change in him; he deserves this happiness.

Seeing everyone around me makes me both happy and sad…  Happy for all my loved ones, and a little sad that there can be no little piece of happiness for me.  Alas, if this is the way it is to be I can accept it gracefully and be happy for everyone else…

It was a day of confusion. I have been sorting things out in my head for two days now. For two days ago… He kissed me. Like all the fantasies that have played out in my head for the last two decades – only better. Feeling his lips on mine was both wonderful – and bittersweet.

It was sudden and unexpected. I didn’t have time to react. But she saw it – and it broke her heart; it broke mine all over again. To see the pain and confusion on both their faces was too much to bear…

He says he is confused. I feel absolutely terrible that I am the one responsible for that confusion. He wouldn’t be feeling it if I hadn’t made that fateful admission to him. If I would have kept it to myself, we wouldn’t be facing this.

He says he needs time to decide. He needs time to process the immense feelings that have overcome him – feelings he had not let himself feel for a very long time. I already fear his decision. I fear he doesn’t look at me the way he looks at her. I can see devotion in his eyes, but I am afraid that it is not for me. The kiss could have been nothing but an attempt to erase the pain he caused me in the only way he knew how…

I cannot be angry at Beth. She is my sister, and will always be my friend. Though I am confused at how she could fall for the very object of the secrets I divulged to her, I know that the heart does not pay heed to who came first. I do not blame her. If she could finally be the one to open his heart after the loss he has suffered, then my broken heart is at least happy for that ironic blessing.

Tomorrow is another day…