That is the state in which my heart resides. I am still in limbo when it comes to him… I don’t really know how to act when I am around him. I am trying to be strong and stay away from him. I am trying to give him space so that I can get over him as I know I have to. But I am drawn to him. It is as if my head says one thing and my body and soul disobey completely. And with every indiscretion, a little more heartbreak for us all…
He came to me while Beth was gone. I was at home, thinking of him. I opened my front door and it was as if he materialized straight out of my thoughts. I was astonished to see him. I still don’t know why he came. I’m not sure he even knows why he came. One minute he was in my mind, the next he was in my house. I showed him around and as he walked behind me it was if I all my senses were electrified – I could feel every single one of his movements, every glance… It was both exciting and terrifying to have him here in my private space.
For a split second I saw happiness refelcted in both his eyes and mine. There was playful banter and laughs. There was a kiss that set my soul on fire. In a flash, it was gone. Reality always has a funny way of setting in. He is not mine, and may never be. My sister loves him, yet I take advantage of her absence like a common thief. What is wrong with me?
Yet he kissed me, and this time I kissed him back. It was a beautiful feeling for a fleeting moment. To forget anything but my feelings for him. It felt perfect to be in his arms; somehow right. We both felt it. Then, like someone had flipped a switch, it was gone. He left as abruptly as he came…
It was so absolutely wrong, but so wonderfully right. I had to feel what it would be like to be consumed by him; to let him be consumed by me. That kiss turned into a few stolen moments in the next few days. It seemed the more I tried to stay away from him, the closer I danced to the flame. I do not understand why he gives me such hope; he makes it impossible to stay away.
He wants me, this I know. But he wants Beth too, and he can’t have us both. I came dangerously close to just letting caution fly to the wind the other day, but I cannot – will not – give myself fully to him. If I surrender to him and he casts me aside, I know that I will be lost. Heaven help me, I have to be strong, and stay away…