It was a day of confusion. I have been sorting things out in my head for two days now. For two days ago… He kissed me. Like all the fantasies that have played out in my head for the last two decades – only better. Feeling his lips on mine was both wonderful – and bittersweet.

It was sudden and unexpected. I didn’t have time to react. But she saw it – and it broke her heart; it broke mine all over again. To see the pain and confusion on both their faces was too much to bear…

He says he is confused. I feel absolutely terrible that I am the one responsible for that confusion. He wouldn’t be feeling it if I hadn’t made that fateful admission to him. If I would have kept it to myself, we wouldn’t be facing this.

He says he needs time to decide. He needs time to process the immense feelings that have overcome him – feelings he had not let himself feel for a very long time. I already fear his decision. I fear he doesn’t look at me the way he looks at her. I can see devotion in his eyes, but I am afraid that it is not for me. The kiss could have been nothing but an attempt to erase the pain he caused me in the only way he knew how…

I cannot be angry at Beth. She is my sister, and will always be my friend. Though I am confused at how she could fall for the very object of the secrets I divulged to her, I know that the heart does not pay heed to who came first. I do not blame her. If she could finally be the one to open his heart after the loss he has suffered, then my broken heart is at least happy for that ironic blessing.

Tomorrow is another day…

I felt wonderful coming back home from Ireland.  I returned from a weekend of rest and rejuvination.  I deplaned in Volterra basking in the sunlight – only to be thrown once again in the shadow once I returned home.

All was quiet.  I texted my dear Beth to let her know I had arrived, only to have happened upon Marcus.  I was ready for this.  For his rejection.  Or so I thought…

He asked me to come into his office as he wanted to talk…  He told me the words I expected to hear:  that he didn’t feel the same for me as I did for him.  The reason however, was unexpected.

He is in love with Beth.  My sister.  My confidante.

I was prepared to have to get over my love for him.  I was prepared that someday he might find his true love.  I was not prepared for the fact that they would be right under my nose.

What a fool I have been…  Did she love him all along?  Was she laughing at me inside as I shared my anguish with her?  Did she even ever have feelings for Felix at all?  I am sad and confused. Yet inside I am still happy that his shell could be cracked and he could feel something for someone after all.  Is that anything but pathetic?

I know that Marcus doesn’t mean to hurt me.  I truly think that he feels remorse over hurting me, but behind it I can see the hope he has for a new love with Beth.  And it is killing me inside.

I have told them both that I will not stand in their way of happiness and not to worry for me.  I will find my way.

Somehow.